People Pleasing
The series
This is the third in a series of case studies unpacking some of the most common patterns that I’ve observed in my executive clients. It shares some of the most useful insights, tools and practices. See Striving and Externalising Blame.
Each case study is fictitious - an amalgamation of several clients to maintain anonymity. ‘The work’ offers a pick and mix of some of the most impactful reflections, interventions and insights from across various clients.
The idea follows an event I delivered for Animas Centre for Coaching - ‘Executive Coaching: Busting the myths on what it takes to coach leaders’ and a subsequent flurry of interest in some of the insights and tools shared during the event.
Why patterns?
Applied behavioural science tells us that human beings follow ingrained, habitual patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving.
For me, sustainable, transformational coaching is all about patterns.
Patterns keep us safe. Unconsciously, they protect us from our deepest fears. They keep us safe in most situations over long periods, until they don’t. So, getting up close to, understanding, and befriending them is key to any meaningful transformation.
Leaders, like all humans, behave, think and feel in patterns.
As a transformational coach, I am always on the lookout for patterns that give me clues as to what might be getting in the way for my clients. I don’t always see them immediately. In fact, it often takes time, and that’s ok. I try to stay aware of the fact that if I am not working with patterns, chances are I am missing the opportunity for deep work.
When I notice one, my job is to get really curious with my client…
The case: People pleasing
Philip started coaching as a way to help him step into a role when another leader left abruptly under difficult circumstances. He was entering into a part of the organisation that had been badly run for a long time, where people were unhappy and disengaged with the work.
Expectations from his bosses were high. He had to come in and quickly fix the problem. He was chosen because of his people-skills and everyone, including him, felt confident that he would be able to turn the team around and bring them onside.
But it wasn’t as simple as that. There were fundamental performance issues that needed to be addressed. Staff felt entitled – many were stuck in victim mode (in transactional analysis terms). Staff absences were high, long-term sickness was common, and many were completely disconnected from the organisation.
Philip wanted to use the coaching space to work on how to bring people on board. What he had been doing was:
Taking people’s workload off them so they would feel less overwhelmed.
Allowing staff to take over his diary, coming into his office for chats any time they wanted.
Giving them what they asked for in terms of flexible working, resources, etc.
Praising them and thanking them for their hard work.
But it didn’t work. People still complained and performance was not improving. He was getting resentful and burned out. His servant-style leadership which had been so successful for him before was not working. He felt stuck and blamed himself for not being able to make people happy.
A need to please and be liked is one of the most basic human needs. Without it, we would be expelled from the clan and be in danger of becoming prey in the wild. The urge to connect with other humans is profound and critical to our survival and our wellbeing.
When it becomes the main driver of our behaviours, it can get in the way of being true to ourselves and living and leading with authenticity, courage, and compassion.
In extreme cases, the need to please often comes from a deep sense of not being good enough. The appreciation, approval, and validation from others becomes the medicine that soothes the symptom - but it does not cure the underlying illness.
Compassion and strength-based coaching
I asked if I could share an observation. The care he had for his staff was palpable. It felt like a superpower, it made him a hugely empathetic leader, and had served him well throughout his career.
The observation allowed me to ask him in what ways his superpower was not serving him in this situation.
We got curious about when he first started operating this way – worrying about what other people thought. He traced it back to childhood as we often do. We dug deep into his beliefs and uncovered the script that was sitting underneath his need to be liked and he worked on re-writing it.
I shared the OK Corral, a model from transactional analysis that helps us understand how we perceive ourselves in relation to others either in a specific situation, relationship, or in life in general. We worked on codifying what it would look like for him to step into the ”I’m OK/you’re OK” life position where he could see himself as an equal to those around him, all connected by shared humanity.
We used Kristin Neff’s structure of self-compassion to help him do hard things that he knew he needed to do but would cause discomfort to others. Acknowledging his own suffering as well as that of others was groundbreaking.
I share Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication model, developed on the back of decades of work in peace negotiation. The model worked well for him because of its focus on his experience of others. It felt nonjudgmental to him and easy to apply.
We worked on what was in and out of his control and leaned into his strengths to help him do hard things in a way that aligned with his values.
We used meditation and mindfulness tools to work on ‘letting go’ of the things out of his control, reduce his anxiety, rumination, and anticipatory worry and improve his wellbeing.
Use of self
I recognised myself in this client. I felt deeply for the experience they were going through. My inner work was to be on the lookout for transference and projection - I needed to leave my own stuff at the door and see them as the unique humans that they are. In other words, getting back to ‘you know nothing, Astrid Korin’!
In the same breath, I also knew that I needed to share this with them. I told them that I was seeing parallels in our stories and offered to share a little more of myself. They welcomed it and we had a beautiful moment of connection where they felt seen, heard, and relieved that it was ‘not just them’.