The Stories They Tell When You Don’t
As children, we experiment with lying. And throughout adulthood… we also lie or withhold the truth sometimes.
It’s human nature to cringe, avoid, or deny when we are embarrassed or when the truth feels too uncomfortable or inconvenient.
Lying was a big part of my childhood. I now understand that my lack of belonging led me to assume that no one would want the real me so I lied to make myself more palatable, more appealing, more lovable. When I became a parent, I vowed to break that cycle of dishonesty. I promised my children that I would never lie to them. So far so good…
If there were things I thought weren’t right for them to know, I would say so, but I wouldn’t lie. I would share as much of the truth as they could handle based on their maturity, and let them know when I would offer more. It’s been a helpful approach that has alleviated their worries even when tackling hard subjects like:
Can children get cancer?
Will you get sick like granddad and die young?
What will happen if Russia starts a nuclear war?
The truth, even when difficult, is reassuring for them.
This principle extends beyond our family dynamic. In organisations, when leaders avoid or dodge honesty, the same psychological mechanisms are at play. If you withhold information or are less than transparent with your team, they fill in the blanks with their own stories - and often, those stories are worse than reality.
The psychology of honesty in organisations
Research time and time again has shown how honesty in business is a superpower. It is critical to maintaining trust and employee engagement. According to a study published in the Harvard Business Review, when leaders are honest, they foster a culture of psychological safety and trust.
People feel secure to voice their concerns, admit mistakes, and share ideas without fear of retribution. Research from Gallup highlights that when we feel we are in the loop and treated with transparency, we are more engaged and productive.
Conversely, dishonesty or withholding critical information can lead to a culture of fear, one where employees fill in gaps with assumptions that are often more harmful than the truth.
Organisational honesty is not just about telling the truth but about actively ensuring transparency and open communication.
When employees feel that their leaders are hiding things, it erodes trust, undermines morale, and fosters a sense of uncertainty.
Why leaders avoid honesty
People avoid full honesty because they fear the consequences:
Will revealing the full picture cause panic?
Will sharing uncertainty undermine my authority?
Will this make me look weak?
These fears are legitimate, but they ignore a crucial truth: people are perceptive. Your team likely senses when things aren’t going to plan, when a strategy isn't working, or when uncertainty looms. By not addressing it head-on, leaders inadvertently increase anxiety, and that’s when employees start filling in the blanks with worst-case scenarios.
In my experience working with leaders, I’ve observed that many fear that being transparent will make them appear incompetent or that by sharing challenges around the business, people will leave.
But the opposite is true.
Being open about challenges, sharing what you know (and what you don’t), and admitting when you’re unsure builds trust. Leaders who take responsibility for what they can control - and acknowledge what they can’t - are often perceived as more authentic and trustworthy.
Filling the blanks with stories
When leaders are not honest with their teams, people make assumptions. The space where information is lacking becomes fertile ground for rumours. Consider a time when your organisation went through a difficult transition. Perhaps, a restructure? How did the leaders in your organisation communicate the situation? How did that impact you, positively or negatively?
To foster a culture of honesty, leaders need to ask themselves: “What am I not telling my team? and Why am I not telling them?”.
How to practice honest leadership
Acknowledge uncertainty: If you don’t have all the answers, say so. Leaders who acknowledge uncertainty while committing to transparency build credibility. Saying, “I don’t know, but here’s what we’re working on,” is far more reassuring than silence. My answer to my daughter’s question: “will you get sick like granddad and die young?” was: “no one knows what will happen in the future but I am doing everything in my power to be as healthy as I can. What we need to do as a family is seek out joy every single day and practice gratitude for all that we have so that whatever happens, we will have no regrets. Will you help me with that?”
Frame honesty appropriately: Just as I tailor the truth to my children’s age and readiness, you can be truthful in a way that your team can absorb. Leaders can share hard truths while offering reassurance and clarity on next steps.
Admit mistakes: Leaders who admit when they’ve made mistakes create a culture where employees feel empowered to learn from failure, rather than hide it. This is why being an imperfect parent is so important! Whenever I don’t behave the way I’d like, I reassure myself that by modelling imperfection and taking responsibility, I am inviting my kids to do the same. Fingers crossed this continues into the teens!
Communicate consistently: Honesty should not be a one-off event but an ongoing practice. Regular check-ins and transparent updates build trust over time.
A Real World Example
To help illustrate the business benefits, I spoke to one of my earliest coaching engagements, Marco Fiori from Bamboo PR, about his own journey towards transparent leadership.
“Quite early on into coaching, I realised that a somewhat authoritarian upbringing (one full of love, I must add) had cultivated a fear of making mistakes and a desire to have all the answers.
Soon after taking over my business, I realised this was starting to cause more harm than good.
I found keeping information from my team utterly exhausting and most of the time they could tell something was going on. The problem was what they thought was occurring wasn’t the reality and I was in a never ending spiral of resetting expectations, overcoming people issues and feeling rubbish all the time.
I toiled over decisions, felt like I was failing and the business culture I was proudly building was struggling to thrive.
The past two years have seen a shift in me - one where I am utterly transparent about the business, its performance, its commercials, client health and everything that comes with these fundamentals.
This wasn’t an overnight process, but a gradual opening up of the realities of owning and running a business.
And the huge surprise?
All I was greeted with was compassion, support and an incredible team spirit.
Treating people like adults and supporting them through the challenges that transparency reveals has been far more effective than pretending that nothing’s going wrong. I feel liberated and so do our team.
Transparency has been transformational for us and coaching is the key that unlocked it all.”
Invitation to Reflect
In the same way that I made a promise to my children never to lie, I’m inviting leaders to make a commitment to honesty with their teams.
What are you not telling your people?
Where are you avoiding difficult conversations?
What might be the impact of withholding information?
Recognise that if you aren’t filling in the gaps with the truth or an acknowledgement of not having the answers, your employees are already filling them with their own stories. Are those stories helping your organisation thrive, or are they building fear and mistrust?
By embracing honesty, leaders can create more resilient, innovative, and trusting teams - organisations where employees feel safe to bring their whole selves to work, knowing that the truth, even when difficult, will always be part of the conversation.